There you go; a business concept that's ethical, yet transgressive. Invest today! Or do you think that vegetarians don't
|The demographic||Vegetarians with a yen for something different, a dark sense of humour, geeky tendencies or a misanthropic streak. In my experience, most of them have at least one of these traits.|
|The pitch||Why eat fake meat when you could enjoy a Fantastic Feast?|
|The reasoning||Fake meats of various kinds have always been popular amongst vegetarians, for the obvious reason that animal flesh tastes delicious. However, the manufacturers of such foods have shown a lamentable dearth of imagination. I was dining at the excellent Pink Giraffe when it occurred to me that their extensive range of vegetarian dishes was content merely to ape the meat-eater's menu. Why? Why should vegetarians be lumbered with options that practically advertise themselves as pale imitations when, with no more effort, they could have options of which carnivores can only dream?|
- A restaurant / food stall / kebab van
- An imaginative chef
- Tofu moulds
|The advert||Vegetarians: bored of the same old fake chicken and bland vegeburgers? You deserve better! Why not add excitement to your diet with our Meat-free Monkey Mince, or Simulated Sloth Sausage? Leave meat-eaters behind and dine on Faux Dodo Au Vin, TVP Pteranodon Teriaki, or Vegan Vorlon Vol Au Vents! And, for our most daring and decadent of customers, the opportunity to transcend taboo with tofu, and enjoy Green Soylent: it's (fake) people!|
- Regional variations, from Mock Ness Monster to Soya Pseudo-Sasquatch.
- On-site catering for the geek convention circuit. This week's I Can't Believe It's Not Balrog Burgers could be next week's Pretend Pegasus Patties.
- You know when you order crispy roast duck, and they bring the duck whole and shred it at your table? Even this joy needn't be the sole preserve of the meat-eater. Commission some ceramic skeletons (or make them yourself out of left-over bones from your meat dishes) and you can encase them with fake flesh, then wash and reuse them after serving. Unicorn skull? Human baby skeleton? The only limits are your imagination and tastefulness!
- I read that Madame Tussaud's waxwork of Kylie Minogue had to be repaired, because its arse was worn out by gropers. The sort of sorry, celeb-obsessed perverts responsible for doing that and keeping things like Heat in business are our target audience for Green Soylent: Celebrity Specials. We just to need to convince attractive celebrities that they can become rich/popular/ethical by officially endorsing a product 'guaranteed' to taste like them. We can do a bit of pseudo-scientific publicity about how these products are painstakingly created and verified, but who's going to know? Basically it's just the same old product marked up and re-badged. Madonna Kebabs! Breaded Brad Pitt Bits! How about limited-edition tie-ins like Big Brother Bangers (one sausage inspired by each contestant)? There really is no depth to which this concept cannot sink!