If nothing in that capsule description appeals to you, our relationship may be doomed.
Sorry to break it to you like that.
Still, even a break-up speech in the form of a blog post about piratical rap doesn't count as my most insensitive dumping, so count yourself lucky.
*Note for pedants: I know, the Pirate Captain doesn't actually have a hook for a hand. I sacrificed accuracy for weak word-play. If it's any consolation, I actually feel a bit bad about this.