Log in

No account? Create an account

Previous Entry | Next Entry

More music

OK, everyone else has gone home, I'm feeling a bit more perky, and I've worked out that if I write another post before I leave I'll have written one post for every week-day since my decision to do so, even if I've not actually been quite as organised as I had planned (surprise).

On Tuesday evening, just as I was getting ready to go and see my mates for our regular Tuesday pub meeting, I got a text message from the aforementioned Chris Beard, a singer-songwriter in the non-pejorative sense. That very night he had a gig in The Cellar, supporting Sexy Breakfast who are local band of whom I am very fond. Of course, like a shot I blew out my friends and went to the gig. To my slightly irritated lack of any surprise at all, the projected start time of 8:30 dragged until 9:30. I think the organiser was waiting for more people to turn up, but the gig suffered from a classic Oxford music scene problem: gigs at the end of the month have to have been organised about a month and a half in advance to have made it into that month's Nightshift. Nightshift is a free music listings magazine sufficiently comprehensive that it's easy to forget that gigs happen that aren't publicised in it, hence those that don't get listed don't get much of an audience. Still, the delay meant that I got to chat and drink with Chris, and a couple of those Sexy Breakfast boys (Phil and Joe).

As advertised, the gay bit. In both the pejorative and non-pejorative senses, I fear.
You know, I feel foolish for saying this, but I occasionally suspect that life would be easier if I was bisexual (bear with me, here). You see, there are men like Chris and Joe who I think are attractive, cool and talented, but I don't quite have a context in which to process that. Basically, if they were girls I would fancy them. As it is, I don't (I try to keep an open mind, but I'm pretty damn sure that I don't actually want to... well... fuck men. Even a bit.) but my admiration for them makes me feel a bit weird, like I feel there should be some more intimate level to which we could take our relationship (or at least which I could imagine taking our relationship) but there isn't one, really.
I have absolutely no idea what I was trying to do there, except vaguely embarrass myself.

Anyway, I hung out with musicians and discussed music, and was asked which band I was in again. I figure that these people must have been put up to it by my future self, no doubt watching me from the shadows, hoping against hope that he can persuade me to start the band that saves the world before the apocalypse happens. You know, like in 'Bill and Ted.' I figure that if I'm that destined to be in a band I can afford to take it easy, and wait until I actually find a bass guitar in the street, or win a drum kit in a packet of crisps, or something. Chris's set was great, if short, and much the same as his last, though it was frantically revised at the last minute when the DJ played Johnny Cash's 'Hurt' which Chris felt might somewhat overshadow his cover of said song. (As an aside, I have never heard a song that so perfectly reminds me of a period of my life. I hadn't even heard it until after Johnny died, nor the NIN original, but it expresses my feelings in the period when I was 19, newly kicked out of college and feeling depressed and utterly adrift, perfectly. Maybe it's a shame that I didn't know the track at the time. Maybe it's just as well...)

Next up was a - sadly fairly forgettable - guy doing a similar 'one guy and a guitar' thing but failing to grab my attention as I chatted to Chris at the bar. Sexy Breakfast followed with a low-key semi-acoustic set and a borrowed drummer, but still sounded good. They did some new stuff that wasn't desperately polished but showed some promise, some old favourites, and ended with a lounge-style cover of 'The Next Episode' by Dr Dre and Snoop Dogg which I thought was fantastic. Also of note was Seb, their bolshy keyboards and decks guy, laying into the audience between songs for talking amongst themselves. I knew what he meant as it was annoying me a bit, but it was a semi-acoustic badly publicised gig, and truth to tell, most of the people there were probably there to drink and socialise on a late license rather than listen to the bands. Joe managed to defuse the situation a bit, but it was (ironically) lucky that no-one was paying much attention as I imagine things could have gotten a bit nasty. There's no stage at The Cellar, so no convenient literal or psychological separation between audience and band. I guess Seb's more used to playing loud music to a bunch of adoring young fans (many of whom look like they're from the band's sixth-form class from school) than quieter stuff met with indifference. I guess it's their impatience to be stars that pushes them into making good and innovative music, but I often fear that it will lead to them falling apart before they make it... I've never heard an audience so heckled by a band since I went to see Jesus and Mary Chain (years past their heyday and just past their abortive 'I Hate Rock and Roll' revival), who called us all cunts for not buying more of their records, thus stopping them from becoming as rich and famous as they deserved. It would have been more sensible for them to have gone out into the street and pick on random passers-by than attacking the people who'd paid to see them, I'd've thought, but there you go. Musicians, eh?

The evening ended with The Anonymen. They reminded me of everything I've heard by Rage Against The Machine since their storming first album: tight band, good riffs, impassioned shouty rap with a reasonable amount of rhythmic diversity, but still not actually very good. I left just before midnight, deciding that a warm girlfriend would be more fun than luke-warm rap-rock. And you know what? I was right...


( 5 comments — Leave a comment )
Oct. 3rd, 2003 10:48 am (UTC)
but my admiration for them makes me feel a bit weird, like I feel there should be some more intimate level to which we could take our relationship (or at least which I could imagine taking our relationship) but there isn't one, really.

So start a wanking circle and have done with the question.

Frankly, so long as the question of 'could/would I be gay/bi/etc.?' remains an abstraction, the true answer remains, "no."


Speaking for myself, I suffer from having a weird split in my mind - between an aesthetic analysis, and a primal reaction. In that regard I can consider the aesthetics of multiple forms of eros, and have no particular primal reaction. In this regard, the primal reaction is largely a voluntary decision on my part, in most cases.

Thankfully, not a problem for my time with Larissa - so I think that confirms me a heterosexual. ;-)

Thinking more broadly though, beyond the inculcation and the sort of manipulation that can entail (for any particular sexual practice) - I think much of it is hardwired in us...gay/straight/bi/etc.

Oct. 4th, 2003 03:06 am (UTC)
do you have girls that you think are attractive, cool & talented but don't actually fancy though? or girls where you can see the attraction but aren't actually attracted?
I'm not sure it's necessarily that freaky to be drawn to someone without wanting to shag them- the two (guy) friends from school I have that most utterly rock my world & I have total respect for & have incisive intellectual clarity, stunning eloquence & messianic presences that makes me totally in awe of them I've never actually had any kind of sexual attraction to (well, okay, one of them I've started to kinda fancy but for years I didn't) and I did occasionally stop and think 'hang on why don't I want to sleep with these clearly fantastic guys?' but eroticism's just wierd . . .
Oct. 6th, 2003 03:05 am (UTC)
Probably you realise that shagging isn't the highest form of expression for every person or occasion, anyway. I have lots of friends whom I fancy sth rotten - but so what? Actually doing anything about it would be totally inappropriate for any number of possible reasons, so same-sex or otherwise, I have to solve the same problem you have: how to be intimate, how to express pleasure-in-company, how to celebrate - sans the sex.

Actually, it means I have LOTS of reasons to smile about a lot of people, and some excellent memories of brilliant displacement activities, and absolutely no guilt about any of it. Appreciating people over time just gets better, especially if you don't do things to - erm, well, fuck it up, really.
Oct. 13th, 2003 10:08 am (UTC)
Inconclusive conclusion.
Thinking about the whole admiring men thing, and aided by the comments above and the experience of writing down and hence having to try to explain my discomfort, I think I have worked out where it's actually coming from. What I'm actually worried about, I think, is that the guys that I admire will think I only do so because I fancy them, and that would be bad because:
a) I don't, being hettie and all, so that could make things awkward however they reacted to it.
b) That would somehow devalue my admiration, which is actually based on the fact that I think they're talented and cool.
I do get this feeling with women too, though I find it somewhat less unnerving, I guess because it seems somehow less inappropriate. I chatted to Jo out of eeebleee at some gig or other, having recognised her as someone from a band that I really rate. I ended up coming away from the chat feeling slightly like I had come across as a stalker. Now I feel uneasy whenever I catch her eye at gigs.

As you can tell, I'm still failing to express or even understand myself particularly clearly, but I guess it's a step in the right direction. Or a direction, anyway. Basically I'm being oversensitive, and am almost certainly coming across either as a repressed homosexual, a repressed homophobe, or both. If I had a paid account, I could set up a poll...

I guess this can be my belated and inappropriate tribute to National Coming Out Day, then.
Oct. 13th, 2003 12:25 pm (UTC)
Re: Inconclusive conclusion.
I know what you mean exactly. There are certain people who I have a very deep admiration for but certainly don't fancy. In fact, it would be highly inappropriate if I did fancy them, as they tend to be people like my tutors (whom I often tend to admire in an intellectual capacity).

But I do feel there's a sense that I'd like to know them better, because I admire them as people and as thinkers. Sometimes I worry that the way I feel about these people might come across to them as if I fancied them, which would be bad because, as you say, it's both untrue and inappropriate.
( 5 comments — Leave a comment )


Cute overload
Drifting in and out of consciousness

Latest Month

November 2019


Powered by LiveJournal.com
Designed by Taichi Kaminogoya