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So, my resolution to post every day has failed. I guess that the true test of character will be how I respond to this fact. I'll just have to wait and see... I blame the fact that I've been training someone this week, which really cramps my style, as when I'm not taking calls I have to be giving him advice or some shit, rather than craftily surfing or staring into space composing my thoughts. Also, the new guy has bad breath. He's a smoker, but it's not that. Eventually I realised that it's the smell of Scalextric: a combination of hot electrics, plastic and methylated spirits used as track cleaner. I wonder if he's a robot? Though if he was, I'd expect his spelling to be better... 'Known' spelt 'none'? Ack.

This is the second person I've had to train and I've only been here four weeks. I'm beginning to feel less flattered that they said "Yes" to me within half an hour of the interview, as they're clearly desperate. The job itself is the same old, same old: I'm a temp logging tech support calls and passing them to people who can actually fix them. I guess it's better than most (certainly more to learn than my previous couple), but not good enough to stop this week turning into another slide into depression. I want to stop feeling like I've reached my level, that I've fucked up a promising start and am now going to be doing jobs like this for the rest of my life. I now realise that I recognise that feeling from university, and I don't want it to become a recurring theme. Most of my co-workers have been younger than me in the last couple of jobs. I don't want to feel like they're on the way up past me, that this is their stepping stone to something better but as good as I'm going to get. I want a job with a desk and (more importantly) a PC of my own. I want to be able to take paid sick days.

Fuck, self-pity sucks. Especially my own. Still, mix in some self-contempt and you've got anger, and that's more... practical. It can keep you warm, and make you do things. Even change, maybe. I keep seeing myself kneeling in a parking lot with a man pointing a gun at my head. It's straight out of Fight Club, though I feel as if I've felt like this when I'm low since long before then, it's just that Fight Club supplied me with a concrete image to contextualise and clarify it. Then again, there are naggingly familiar recurring dreams that I've only had once, so maybe this feeling is like one of those. I just hope that the guy with the gun is also me. Though Brad Pitt would be pretty cool, I guess. I find it helps to ask myself What Would Tyler Durden Do? I don't ever do it, but it broadens my mind, makes me realise that I have options that I never normally consider. I loved that film.

I'm rambling now. Every other post like this that I've written has been deleted before posting, but perhaps my need to get back on track with my daily posting will encourage me to let this one live. And perhaps that's a good thing. I guess my day's been brightened by the idea that the new guy might be a robot, which I hadn't had until I started writing this. Maybe LJ is what I need after all.


Oct. 7th, 2003 07:03 am (UTC)
Re: That this is their stepping stone to something better but as good as I'm going to get...
But what would be better?
I think this is a serious question. What do you want to do?

See below...

Do you want to do as little work as possible, while being reasonably paid, and spend the rest of your time having fun?


Do you want to support yourself with a not very good job while you become a famous DJ, pestered by underwear throwing teenage girls wherever you go?

That'd be nice (assuming that it's underwear thrown in admiration, not anger). However, in the absence of a (competent) manager/agent and/or a hitherto unsuspected vein of arsedness, it's not going to happen. Actually, thinking about it, I'm not convinced that I'd ever want to make a career of it anyway (though I'd give it a go.) A semi-regular gig in Oxford that makes me a bit of CD money would suit me just fine, I reckon.

Do you want to join Oxfam and spend your life trying to save people?

Nah. As I'm sure we've discussed, if I worked for Oxfam, then every time I slacked off I would be killing third world babies. That would take some of the fun out of LiveJournal, I fear.

Do you want to be so rich and powerful that head waiters fall at your feet in an ecstasy of worship?

Hell, no. Anyone worshipping me deserves everything they get.

Do you want a job that you find interesting to work at, even if it means you can't spend time browsing the web and have to do overtime?

Hypothetically, yes. However, I don't really know what one of those would look like, and have a well-founded suspicion that this is, in fact, purely hypothetical. I try not to be too close-minded, but I'm not holding out much hope.

Do you want to have a "solid job" with a "stable career path" so you can bring up a family?

Not especially. A job solid enough that I don't end up having to borrow money from my existing family will do, and I'm not too far away from that, at least.

What do you want to do (for the rest of your life. Or at least for a while)?

Live a live of idle luxury. Failing that, live a life of a jobbing in-house IT guy, doing odds and sods of everything (to stop me from getting bored) in a mostly reactive way (to stop me from having to plan). Ironically, my first proper job was doing just this, and I liked it and was good at it. I wish I had realised earlier how well it had suited me.

What Would Alex Williams Do?

Whine in LiveJournal.

Though, to be fair, I guess that got me some supportive and thought-provoking comments, so that wasn't such a bad idea...


Cute overload
Drifting in and out of consciousness

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