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Oh.

So, my resolution to post every day has failed. I guess that the true test of character will be how I respond to this fact. I'll just have to wait and see... I blame the fact that I've been training someone this week, which really cramps my style, as when I'm not taking calls I have to be giving him advice or some shit, rather than craftily surfing or staring into space composing my thoughts. Also, the new guy has bad breath. He's a smoker, but it's not that. Eventually I realised that it's the smell of Scalextric: a combination of hot electrics, plastic and methylated spirits used as track cleaner. I wonder if he's a robot? Though if he was, I'd expect his spelling to be better... 'Known' spelt 'none'? Ack.

This is the second person I've had to train and I've only been here four weeks. I'm beginning to feel less flattered that they said "Yes" to me within half an hour of the interview, as they're clearly desperate. The job itself is the same old, same old: I'm a temp logging tech support calls and passing them to people who can actually fix them. I guess it's better than most (certainly more to learn than my previous couple), but not good enough to stop this week turning into another slide into depression. I want to stop feeling like I've reached my level, that I've fucked up a promising start and am now going to be doing jobs like this for the rest of my life. I now realise that I recognise that feeling from university, and I don't want it to become a recurring theme. Most of my co-workers have been younger than me in the last couple of jobs. I don't want to feel like they're on the way up past me, that this is their stepping stone to something better but as good as I'm going to get. I want a job with a desk and (more importantly) a PC of my own. I want to be able to take paid sick days.

Fuck, self-pity sucks. Especially my own. Still, mix in some self-contempt and you've got anger, and that's more... practical. It can keep you warm, and make you do things. Even change, maybe. I keep seeing myself kneeling in a parking lot with a man pointing a gun at my head. It's straight out of Fight Club, though I feel as if I've felt like this when I'm low since long before then, it's just that Fight Club supplied me with a concrete image to contextualise and clarify it. Then again, there are naggingly familiar recurring dreams that I've only had once, so maybe this feeling is like one of those. I just hope that the guy with the gun is also me. Though Brad Pitt would be pretty cool, I guess. I find it helps to ask myself What Would Tyler Durden Do? I don't ever do it, but it broadens my mind, makes me realise that I have options that I never normally consider. I loved that film.

I'm rambling now. Every other post like this that I've written has been deleted before posting, but perhaps my need to get back on track with my daily posting will encourage me to let this one live. And perhaps that's a good thing. I guess my day's been brightened by the idea that the new guy might be a robot, which I hadn't had until I started writing this. Maybe LJ is what I need after all.

Comments

(Anonymous)
Oct. 5th, 2003 02:04 pm (UTC)
resolve
It is alleged that Freud said "Depression is anger turned inwards; humour is anger turned sideways." And a century of good Jewish comedians have supported this hypothesis...

Self-pity does suck. Ditto self-contempt. But anger, as you say, is good - and indeed can be productive, especially when it goes outwards at its proper targets, rather than inwards, where it rarely belongs.

You are doing better than you might think. Acknowledging that you are where you are is EXCELLENT even if you don't like being there. You can't change without being realistic about your present position, and I mean realistic, not moping through another avoidance racket.

Mr. Snips has asked a lot of the right questions. Can you answer them? yes. Can you change your answers over time? Yes. You have reached, what, 24-ish? Are you going to change (willy-nilly) over the next 50 years? Yes. You have daily opportunities to experiment, to enact solutions, to re-enact them if they continue to work, to do things 'better' or differently or more efficiently or whatever your goals for the day might be. This mind-set about "the rest of your life" is a highly-ditchworthy concept, for a start: nothing you *plan* can assuredly be for "the rest of your life" (doom-laden futures included), it's all a matter of hope, faith, and daily details.

We all fuck up promising starts - every day, in fact. Fortunately there are new promising starts every day, too. The world is chock-full of redundancies, fall-backs, alternative routes in case Plan A doesn't work out, and often what we think Plan A should have been turns out to be Deeply Awful and A Good Thing To Have Avoided.

You make a lot of people happy; a lot of people are glad you're alive; and the work thing is very conquerable. Have a good week. Keep posting.
oxfordhacker
Oct. 7th, 2003 09:43 am (UTC)
Re: resolve
It is alleged that Freud said "Depression is anger turned inwards; humour is anger turned sideways."

That's an interesting line, correctly attributed or not. I had wondered where my anger is most of the time. This equation suggests the answer...

the work thing is very conquerable.

I know this to be true. Normally when I think about it I realise that I know whereabouts I want to live, and I'm there; who I want to be going out with, and I am; I have friends whose company brings me great pleasure, things that I enjoy doing, and am coming closer, I hope, to understanding what it is that I need to do also.
Given how lucky I have been to sort out these essentials, finding a decent job is trivial if you're not being too idealistic. Hell, there are people whose job it is to help you do that very thing!
Perspective: Guaranteed to ruin a good whinge.

Thank you for your comment.

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oxfordhacker
Drifting in and out of consciousness

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