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Oh.

So, my resolution to post every day has failed. I guess that the true test of character will be how I respond to this fact. I'll just have to wait and see... I blame the fact that I've been training someone this week, which really cramps my style, as when I'm not taking calls I have to be giving him advice or some shit, rather than craftily surfing or staring into space composing my thoughts. Also, the new guy has bad breath. He's a smoker, but it's not that. Eventually I realised that it's the smell of Scalextric: a combination of hot electrics, plastic and methylated spirits used as track cleaner. I wonder if he's a robot? Though if he was, I'd expect his spelling to be better... 'Known' spelt 'none'? Ack.

This is the second person I've had to train and I've only been here four weeks. I'm beginning to feel less flattered that they said "Yes" to me within half an hour of the interview, as they're clearly desperate. The job itself is the same old, same old: I'm a temp logging tech support calls and passing them to people who can actually fix them. I guess it's better than most (certainly more to learn than my previous couple), but not good enough to stop this week turning into another slide into depression. I want to stop feeling like I've reached my level, that I've fucked up a promising start and am now going to be doing jobs like this for the rest of my life. I now realise that I recognise that feeling from university, and I don't want it to become a recurring theme. Most of my co-workers have been younger than me in the last couple of jobs. I don't want to feel like they're on the way up past me, that this is their stepping stone to something better but as good as I'm going to get. I want a job with a desk and (more importantly) a PC of my own. I want to be able to take paid sick days.

Fuck, self-pity sucks. Especially my own. Still, mix in some self-contempt and you've got anger, and that's more... practical. It can keep you warm, and make you do things. Even change, maybe. I keep seeing myself kneeling in a parking lot with a man pointing a gun at my head. It's straight out of Fight Club, though I feel as if I've felt like this when I'm low since long before then, it's just that Fight Club supplied me with a concrete image to contextualise and clarify it. Then again, there are naggingly familiar recurring dreams that I've only had once, so maybe this feeling is like one of those. I just hope that the guy with the gun is also me. Though Brad Pitt would be pretty cool, I guess. I find it helps to ask myself What Would Tyler Durden Do? I don't ever do it, but it broadens my mind, makes me realise that I have options that I never normally consider. I loved that film.

I'm rambling now. Every other post like this that I've written has been deleted before posting, but perhaps my need to get back on track with my daily posting will encourage me to let this one live. And perhaps that's a good thing. I guess my day's been brightened by the idea that the new guy might be a robot, which I hadn't had until I started writing this. Maybe LJ is what I need after all.

Comments

tinyjo
Oct. 3rd, 2003 09:19 am (UTC)
One of the reasons that I'm doing better on Weightwatchers than I do dieting on my own is that instead of one big long-term possibly nebulous goal, I've got a whole session of short term ones. I want to lose another couple of pounds this week. There's a defined time soon when that'll be checked back on by others (the people at my meeting) and so it's easier for me to focus on than thinking "I want to be thinner by Christmas". Your strategies to improve your willpower seem a little like this to me. The strategy when you fail to meet one of your short term WW goals is to look back over your week and say "What went wrong?". Why didn't I manage it this week. Consider strategies for avoiding or working round the problems you identify. And then put it behind you. It's not last weeks goal that matters, it's this weeks. Perhaps you'll set your expectations a little lower (lose 1 pound rather than expecting to lose 3 every week). Your new strategies can help you work towards your goal next week and that's what you focus on, not the fact that this week didn't work out.

I'm going to resist the temptation to offer my advice about work & depression for the moment (gasp! What a model of restraint I am) and restrict myself to saying flippantly "At least here you get late shifts :)"

See you later.

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oxfordhacker
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