Drifting in and out of consciousness (oxfordhacker) wrote,
Drifting in and out of consciousness

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A new direction: inwards

OK, fuck this 'what's happening in my life' shit to which I've subjected you (three) readers for the last few posts. Let's go with 'what's happening in my head' instead. Not just because my actual literal life is not actually that exciting to the outside observer, not just because because I want to copy Archie and Cassidy by filling my journal with attempted articulations of my thoughts, no matter how disjointed or disturbing; but because I think it may serve a remedy for my tendency to internalise, a catharsis for my more destructive mental patterns, a way for me to reveal my true self to my readers with unparalleled candour, a context for the otherwise disjointed and haphazard recollections that are all this journal is in danger of consisting of. Nah. I'm lying. It's the first two reasons.

So, a dream. Thanks, in part, to the drugs I take, I tend to have pretty vivid dreams. However, waking up to the radio can often kick them right out of my head, so by the time I'm fully conscious, I'm left only with vague impressions. This is probably a good thing from one point of view, as it means (I think) that I'm awaking more-or-less naturally rather than being dragged awake, and thus get the full benefit of the sleep I have (and this is profoundly important to me. I like sleep.) I wish I remembered more of my dreams though.

I think I remembered this one mostly because it was one of those where I woke up worried that there was something that I needed to sort out, so racked my brain to remember what it was. It was, in fact, that I had to sort out exactly what I was going to do about the fact that, though I have a girlfriend, I seemed to have become involved with another girl, who I had met at night, sitting in the back of a darkened car (as one does). She was photographing the monkeys that snuck in through the open front windows (or possibly she was the monkeys, in some sense). We seemed to get on, and on the train on the way home, we snogged. What to do? The excitement of a burgeoning romance versus the bliss of my current relationship. It was quite a relief when I came to my senses and realised that the monkey girl was imaginary, and thus I was not legally or morally required to choose between her and Jo. Crisis averted. Significance uncertain.

Next, a worry. At work we have quite a large fish pond in the rear grounds, and some of us are wont to sit by it in these (occasionally) balmy summer days. It contains many fish: red, white and black carp-type things, which seem surprisingly active. They tend to swim very close to the surface (though I don't know how deep the pool is) in loose shoals, twitchily changing the pattern and direction of their swimming. Whilst idly watching them the other day, I began to suspect that they were trying to communicate. But how, and what were they trying to say? Were they forming glyphs with their formation swimming, or did the significance lie in the directions they pointed, or the way they broke the surface? Even more tragic a possibility: suppose there was just the one fish trying to say something, by spelling out letters for example, but the other, mindless fish shoaling after it were adding too much noise for the pattern to be determined... You may be able to tell that this has been niggling in my thoughts for some time, but today, I had another thought. The staff canteen is just above the pond, and I noticed that the sunlight reflecting from the pool's surface was forming seemingly random, ever-changing bands of light and shade on the railing outside the canteen window. Could this be binary code? I may never know.

Autobiographical fact #7:
I was vaguely inspired to start this journal after Archie and I both got double-matches with the aforementioned Cassidy on 'Meet Me At Hot Or Not' (I hasten to add that it was Archie who started us playing about on that.) By following her picture link, we found her, frankly baffling, livejournal. When Archie mentioned that he'd started one, I decided to follow suit. Baaaaa... So it's their fault, mostly. And now Jo's joined in as well. Where will the madness end? (probably here.)
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