January 3rd, 2002

Cute overload

Sigh

Job. Yuck. Have been utterly unable to summon up the energy to do any work, although this is a busy time, what with us having been off of Christmas and suchlike. I can't tell whether I'm depressed or realistic (which feeling is often a feature of my depression, but not necessarily so. It doesn't do to be too optimistic.) Nevertheless, I fear that I won't be in this job for much longer. Just before Christmas I had the 'Talk I've Had With Every Boss I've Had' with my boss, in which she pointed out that I wasn't really working very hard, and I agreed that I must try harder. Practical upshot: my probationary period has been extended rather than ended, (again, something that has happened both of my previous permanent jobs) and I have been warned that I should work harder. Which, it almost goes without saying, I haven't been. I did for a bit, but I just find it all too boring and frustrating to concentrate on. Again, this is part of the pattern of all my jobs, with only the proportion of boredom to frustration altering.

Thing is, I know this a pretty crap job, but it's probably the best I've had, in that it's mostly easy, near to home, and pays enough for my purposes. However, this isn't, and has never been, sufficient motivation. Self-interest and logic won't cut it, and I've never been cursed with ambition or a work ethic, so I really don't know how to make myself give enough of a shit to do enough to stay on. Unfortunately, I find this sort of analysis depressing, smothering me in a nihilistic mind-set and making it less likely that I'll do anything about it. It feels like I'm getting perilously close to a point at which anyone examining my CV will start to worry about that fact that I've never had any job for more than a year; like I'll soon be in a position where the only companies willing to hire me will be offering exactly the sort of unfussy, low-pay, high-turnover jobs that will hasten this effect.

So, what should I do? "Snap the fuck out of it" is my initial response, but that doesn't seem to be an option. About the only things I can muster any kind of sustained effort for are reading and playing computer games. I've got no evidence that I am capable of keeping a job, really, but does this mean that I should accept this situation and resign myself to the fate of an itinerant IT skivvy (which isn't so bad, to be sure) or try to, I dunno, do this job properly, or find one I'd actually like doing the work bits of? What I suspect I'll actually end up doing is enjoying the enjoyable bits of this job while I last and postpone the inevitable until I'm axed, then stay in bed for a couple of months until my money runs out (by which I mean my over-draft maxes out, of course), then desperately borrow money off people to support a desperate search for any job going until the cycle begins again. At least this job has enabled me to pay off most of the debts (to friends) I accumulated last time this happened, and I'm able (if not desperately enthusiastic) to pay off the rest.

I'm normally firmly committed to the path of least resistance, but in this case, I wonder whether I should be...

Current Site: Seethru. Yes, it's a website to promote/interface with a dot-com soap-opera which, by all accounts, is a bit crap (see www.everyonehatesattachments.com), and as such none of the 'real' bits are at all trustworthy. It's still fun though. The e-cards, some of the rants, and the ticklists particularly recommended for others whiling away bleak hours at work (for those trying to do so without net access, may I extend my most heart-felt sympathy.)
  • Current Music
    'Spinning Plates (Live)' - Radiohead. On repeat.