Drifting in and out of consciousness (oxfordhacker) wrote,
Drifting in and out of consciousness

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Setting foot on the slippery slope

A couple of people on my friends list linked to this, an invitation for people to write fan fic for shows that they haven't seen. For some reason, this inspired me, and that's a rare enough occurrence that I feel obliged to post the results. My apologies in advance.

Battlestar GalacticT&A


All my knowledge of Battlestar Galactica has been gleaned from playing the board game and chatting to friends, but that's easily enough to write slash fic, right? Sure, I can only remember the names of people with nicknames (a problem which explains why I like LiveJournal) but luckily, based on the pictures on the game's character cards, that covers all the cute ones.


Starbucks: Headstrong pilot & cute blonde lady (used to be a dude?).
Boomer: Another pilot & pretty oriental lady (possible robot?).
Hello: Another pilot & generically good-looking dude.
Judas Balthazar: Charming but untrustworthy politician & roguishly handsome dude (pro-Cylon?)

Not Starring

President Sickly
Admiral Drinksalot
Chief Engineer Bland
Cylons: Sexy blonde lady robots trying to destroy the human race. Apparently unaware that they could do this by producing one sexy blonde lady robot for each straight male human, then waiting a generation.
Vorlons: Don't feature in the board game at all. Possibly in the expansion?

Scene 1

Judas: I am concerned that Cylons have infiltrated our space station(s) with evil robot doubles! There is only one way to tell them apart from real humans.
Starbucks: X-rays?
Judas: No. They're... organic robots, apparently.
Starbucks: A quiz meme, like in Bladerunner?
Judas: No. They're organic robots... that think they're humans, I guess.
Wittgenstein: In what sense is that different to actually *being* human?
Judas: Actually it's suprisingly simple: Cylons' spines glow during sex. Let the testing commence!
Starbucks: That is the single worst chat-up line I have ever heard.
Judas: No, this is actually how it works.
Starbucks: OK, then that's the single worst excuse for slash-fic I have ever heard.
Judas: No, I'm pretty sure that this actually canon: glowing spines that can't be detected by x-rays but can be detected by doggy-style.
Starbucks: ...
Judas: Care to test our humanity?
Starbucks: OK, then.
They have sex

Scene 2

Boomer: Hello, handsome.
Hello: Sorry, I'm not interested.
Boomer: Hmmm... Fair enough. Beep.
Hello: Did you just beep?
Boomer: Raises eyebrow. Mmmmmaybe...
Hello: Are you a robot?
Boomer: Well, there's only one way to find out.
They have sex

Scene 3

Starbucks: Well, Judas and I can now vouch for each other: we're not robots.
Boomer: Wait a second! That's exactly what you'd say if you were both robots. I demand proof!
Starbucks: ... I'm game.
They have sex

Hello: Looks at Judas
Judas: Looks at Hello
They shrug
They have sex

Scene 4

President Sickly: The only way to protect ourselves from the Cylon menace is regular orgies. I declare sexy martial law!
Humanity: Hooray!
They have sex

The End

Tags: bsg, fan-fic

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