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Mo' Money Making

So, undoubtably you were impressed by my previous ingenious money-making scheme. However, perhaps you didn't feel it was really you for some reason. Maybe you deemed it to be little too bold, or unethical, or sordid, or cruel, or... well, whatever your lily-livered objection, it can't possibly apply to my next wheeze. That's right, I have so much inspiration that even a wuss like you can soon be rich enough to travel only on solid gold roller-skates, towed by a team of models:

Fantastic Feasts

The demographicVegetarians with a yen for something different, a dark sense of humour, geeky tendencies or a misanthropic streak. In my experience, most of them have at least one of these traits.
The pitchWhy eat fake meat when you could enjoy a Fantastic Feast?
The reasoningFake meats of various kinds have always been popular amongst vegetarians, for the obvious reason that animal flesh tastes delicious. However, the manufacturers of such foods have shown a lamentable dearth of imagination. I was dining at the excellent Pink Giraffe when it occurred to me that their extensive range of vegetarian dishes was content merely to ape the meat-eater's menu. Why? Why should vegetarians be lumbered with options that practically advertise themselves as pale imitations when, with no more effort, they could have options of which carnivores can only dream?
The requirements
  • A restaurant / food stall / kebab van
  • An imaginative chef
  • Tofu
  • Tofu moulds
The advertVegetarians: bored of the same old fake chicken and bland vegeburgers? You deserve better! Why not add excitement to your diet with our Meat-free Monkey Mince, or Simulated Sloth Sausage? Leave meat-eaters behind and dine on Faux Dodo Au Vin, TVP Pteranodon Teriaki, or Vegan Vorlon Vol Au Vents! And, for our most daring and decadent of customers, the opportunity to transcend taboo with tofu, and enjoy Green Soylent: it's (fake) people!
The possibilities
  • Regional variations, from Mock Ness Monster to Soya Pseudo-Sasquatch.

  • On-site catering for the geek convention circuit. This week's I Can't Believe It's Not Balrog Burgers could be next week's Pretend Pegasus Patties.

  • You know when you order crispy roast duck, and they bring the duck whole and shred it at your table? Even this joy needn't be the sole preserve of the meat-eater. Commission some ceramic skeletons (or make them yourself out of left-over bones from your meat dishes) and you can encase them with fake flesh, then wash and reuse them after serving. Unicorn skull? Human baby skeleton? The only limits are your imagination and tastefulness!

  • I read that Madame Tussaud's waxwork of Kylie Minogue had to be repaired, because its arse was worn out by gropers. The sort of sorry, celeb-obsessed perverts responsible for doing that and keeping things like Heat in business are our target audience for Green Soylent: Celebrity Specials. We just to need to convince attractive celebrities that they can become rich/popular/ethical by officially endorsing a product 'guaranteed' to taste like them. We can do a bit of pseudo-scientific publicity about how these products are painstakingly created and verified, but who's going to know? Basically it's just the same old product marked up and re-badged. Madonna Kebabs! Breaded Brad Pitt Bits! How about limited-edition tie-ins like Big Brother Bangers (one sausage inspired by each contestant)? There really is no depth to which this concept cannot sink!
There you go; a business concept that's ethical, yet transgressive. Invest today! Or do you think that vegetarians don't deserve a glimmer of fun in their bland, joyless diets to enhance to their bleak, unhealthy lives? Also, if any of the above are really popular, we could always take them to the mainstream by offering meat-based versions of them. Once you've got people accepting that the product is a simulation, there's no reason not to make it out of proper food! Comment now to offer vast amounts of investment capital, or a hilarious sci-fi or celebrity-based food product concept.

Comments

( 5 comments — Leave a comment )
aperrott
May. 7th, 2007 10:43 am (UTC)
The Turkey Twizzler proves that this idea could work. :-)
celestialweasel
May. 7th, 2007 11:20 am (UTC)
I recall a newspaper columnist (allegedly humourous) suggesting that people would eat human if, like beef and pork there was a different word for the meat than the animal. He suggested 'bod' as in 'bod and chips'. I think that could work.
And indeed, if you are going to fake meat, why not the best?
celestialweasel
May. 7th, 2007 11:29 am (UTC)
And anyway, why doesn't the Pink Giraffe serve pink giraffe? (real or soya)
vinaigrettegirl
May. 18th, 2007 10:06 am (UTC)
Given the Signs of the Times snippets from The Week, I think you had better stick to fictional materials or else Trading Standards will do you for not having real bits of Madonna in the kebabs.

I don't want to think about Brad Pitt's Bits, ta.

BTW, are you still at OCC? I have a book to send you.
oxfordhacker
May. 27th, 2007 09:03 pm (UTC)
BTW, are you still at OCC?

I am indeed. Current address on t'internet, naturally.
( 5 comments — Leave a comment )

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oxfordhacker
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