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Shake your money maker

Over the years, I have come up with several sure-fire money-making ideas (often, for some reason, in conversation and collaboration with mr_snips). Thus far, I have yet to bring any of them to fruition. So, rather then leaving them languishing on my PDA, I thought I would share them with you, my dynamic and talented readers. By combining my brains and your diverse resources, we can all end up rich enough to live out our most garish and decadent fantasies (For me: an android Angelina Jolie; for you: Daniel Radcliffe and John Sim acting out your Harry Potter/Life on Mars slash.)
Here's the first idea:

SquassageTM

The demographicYoung urban professionals with wishy-washy New Age leanings. Perhaps the ideal customers, combining disposable income and gullibility.
The pitchRelaxing massage, meditative peace, and an encounter with nature's majesty... all in your lunch-hour.
The reasoningThings that hippies like:
  • Flotation tanks
  • Massage
  • Swimming with dolphins
Things that yuppies like:
  • Efficiency
  • Multi-tasking
  • Spending money
The requirements
  • Flotation tanks (size XL)
  • Marine biologist/psychologist
  • Squid
The advertWhat could be more relaxing than half an hour in flotation tank? How about half an hour in a flotation tank while being massaged? Slip into one of our tanks and bask, floating in the darkness with nothing to concentrate on but a little light New Age music, and the unique sensation of being kneaded in 10 places at once. Relax in the embrace of strong yet sensitive tentacles as our trained squid suck your tension away...
The possibilities
  • Inject tanning cream into the squid's ink sacs, and customers could come out with a healthy tan as well. Now that's what I call multi-tasking.
  • Worn out squid could be sold as fresh calamari to nearby restaurants
  • Massage 'with relief' could be a popular extra with certain groups:
    • The very jaded
    • 'Animal lovers'
    • Hentai fans
    • People who have ethical qualms about the exploitation of sex workers, but are in dire need of an expert orgasm
    • SF author Jeff Vandermeer
    This may well be technically legal, or at least be an exploitable grey area
If you'd like to be involved but have only some of the required components (perhaps some surplus sensory deprivation tanks from a CIA secret prison, or a squid with a particularly talented beak) just comment here, and I'll get you in touch with suitable other people. All I ask is 10% of the profits when they come rolling in!

Comments

( 7 comments — Leave a comment )
celestialweasel
Apr. 21st, 2007 12:58 pm (UTC)
This may well be technically legal, or at least be an exploitable grey area
If only 70% of ones conversations didn't include that phrase at some point.
(Anonymous)
Apr. 21st, 2007 02:01 pm (UTC)
I am doomed to wander the Earth as "the squid guy". Sigh...

Carry on...

JeffV
oxfordhacker
Apr. 21st, 2007 07:37 pm (UTC)
I regret nothing
I was initially mortified by this comment. On reflection, however, I realised that before making this post I had, instinctively, tested it against Rule #1 of blogging (arguably of all communication): 'What if this person found out what I'm saying about them?'
I did think twice at this point. Then, I thought of City Of Saints And Madmen and thought 'Hell, he's asking for it.'
(Anonymous)
Apr. 23rd, 2007 02:50 am (UTC)
Re: I regret nothing
Ha! Yes, I did deserve it. LOL. Thought it most funny--forwarded the link to Mike Moorcock, among others.

JV
applez
Apr. 21st, 2007 05:55 pm (UTC)
You know, I see that has some odd potential. ;-)

But what are you going to do to reduce suction-damage of your client's tissues? I see liability! ;-D
motodraconis
Apr. 21st, 2007 07:55 pm (UTC)
I feel I must protest on behalf of Squid Rights, at least the selling off to restaurants bit.
Venerable Squidlings should be pensioned off proper.
vinaigrettegirl
Apr. 22nd, 2007 02:38 pm (UTC)
*snortle*. Thank you, excellent.
( 7 comments — Leave a comment )

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oxfordhacker
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