?

Log in

No account? Create an account

Previous Entry | Next Entry

Some Advice Regarding Kitten Acquisition

A long, long time ago, tinyjo and I acquired Charlie the kitten. Our experiences with her in her first few months inspired the following, but I've only just rediscovered and finished it.

People who should consider getting a kitten:

  • Self-harmers
    Who could fail to be cheered out of their depression by the oh-so-cute antics of a kitten? And if you're not, at last you'll have a much better reason for having arms covered in scratches.

  • Tinnitus sufferers
    Constant jingling in your ears? Give your kitten a collar with a bell, and everyone else can share your symptoms. That'll teach them.

  • Vampires
    Tired of being found out because your victims have mysterious puncture wounds? When you've got a kitten, all your guests will have mysterious puncture wounds!

  • Serial killers with low self-esteem
    Just look at your kitten's winning combination of wide-eyed innocence and unswerving dedication to attacking everyone within reach! You'll have a constant reminder that you can combine universal appeal with cold-blooded murder.

  • Nymphomaniacs
    Too much sex leaving you tired and sore? Try it with a kitten pouncing excitedly on anything that moves under the covers! The atmosphere (and/or your buttocks) will quickly be ruined, and you'll end up reading a book instead.

  • People with no internet access
    If you have a real live source of cute kitten images, about one third of the internet is rendered unnecessary. Now, you just have start borrowing CDs and DVDs off your mates, and find someone attractive who doesn't mind you seeing them naked. Voila! The world wide web has nothing left to offer you. Think of the time and money you'll save!

  • Mountaineers
    When considered alongside a kitten's relentless urge to climb everything from furniture to curtains to people, your exhausting and life-threatening hobby will seem positively restrained and sensible.

  • Jaded dandies
    Feel that you've experienced everything that life has to offer? Try standing at your stove making scrambled eggs while a kitten runs up the back of your leg then clings on to your buttock for dear life. I promise you, it is a unique experience.

People who possibly shouldn't get a kitten

  • People with weak hearts

  • Haemophiliacs

  • Mice (esp. those made of felt and/or filled with catnip)

Tags:

Comments

( 8 comments — Leave a comment )
sdn
Mar. 9th, 2007 03:07 am (UTC)
wait. mice are not people.
oxfordhacker
Mar. 9th, 2007 10:03 am (UTC)
Speciesist
tawdryjones
Mar. 9th, 2007 03:38 am (UTC)
That kitten made me want to reach through my screen and squeeze it's little paws...while my own adorable kitty walked across my arms unattended to.
oxfordhacker
Mar. 9th, 2007 10:05 am (UTC)
The internet has a lot to answer for.
tinyjo
Mar. 9th, 2007 09:11 am (UTC)
Awww! I remember the days when she used to climb up our clothing with fondness! Also, RPers should get a kitten - it can be a familiar that rolls it's own dice (into a corner where you can't find them!) :)
pomma_penses
Mar. 9th, 2007 09:51 am (UTC)
\m/
cleanskies
Mar. 9th, 2007 10:52 am (UTC)
you speak in kittens
You represent the internet.

http://troubled-diva.com/labels/rednoseday.html

You know what to do.

oxfordhacker
Mar. 9th, 2007 11:32 am (UTC)
Re: you speak in kittens
You are quite right. 'Tis done. Thanks for the heads up.
( 8 comments — Leave a comment )

Profile

Cute overload
oxfordhacker
Drifting in and out of consciousness

Latest Month

August 2017
S M T W T F S
  12345
6789101112
13141516171819
20212223242526
2728293031  

Tags

Powered by LiveJournal.com
Designed by Taichi Kaminogoya